Anchors

First update in a while...I know but it's the first thought I deemed interesting enough to post.

This weekend was amazing and also a really hard time for me. I tried a new activity in paddleboarding and attempted an activity I used to be decent at in wakeboarding. Both went horribly horribly wrong. I promised myself I wouldn't give up - to the point where my nipples were bleeding and my arms and shoulders were just blasted. (even typing feels impossible) But at the end of the weekend I was left with some pretty heavy questions:

Even when I don't give up and push myself to the limit I'm not succeeding in things that everyone else excels at immediately - what am I doing wrong?

and I realize I don't consider myself a wakeboarder or anything like that, but I can't help but wonder what is it I am great at? I doubt any of my drum skills are still there after almost a year away from a drum set. My self worth is not completely rooted in being "good at something", but my identity certainly is. I guess I'm just having trouble adjusting to the new 'Theo.' I can go a little deeper on this - but it all sounds very depressing and self-serving. I think you guys can understand this situation so moving on!

In the last month or so I have been ditched/let down by almost all of my friends in Vancouver. Some just didn't show up when we made plans, another I haven't seen in forever because he's tired and I just don't fit in the schedule. And this weekend I couldn't help but think that were I not engaged to Raisa I would certainly not have been at the cabin. I have become an accessory and that is frustrating. I hate relying on one person for my social life. I miss my friends back home but I also know they have gone on with their lives.

This all makes me sound incredibly self-absorbed and I really felt inclined to not post this but I think sometimes it's good to acknowledge that there are hard times and I am currently going through one. I should also mention how amazingly blessed I am for the chance to go up to the cabin this weekend - it's an amazing place and there were lots of awesome people who did their best to make me feel welcome and to them I have to apologize for being in such a funk.