Anchors

First update in a while...I know but it's the first thought I deemed interesting enough to post.

This weekend was amazing and also a really hard time for me. I tried a new activity in paddleboarding and attempted an activity I used to be decent at in wakeboarding. Both went horribly horribly wrong. I promised myself I wouldn't give up - to the point where my nipples were bleeding and my arms and shoulders were just blasted. (even typing feels impossible) But at the end of the weekend I was left with some pretty heavy questions:

Even when I don't give up and push myself to the limit I'm not succeeding in things that everyone else excels at immediately - what am I doing wrong?

and I realize I don't consider myself a wakeboarder or anything like that, but I can't help but wonder what is it I am great at? I doubt any of my drum skills are still there after almost a year away from a drum set. My self worth is not completely rooted in being "good at something", but my identity certainly is. I guess I'm just having trouble adjusting to the new 'Theo.' I can go a little deeper on this - but it all sounds very depressing and self-serving. I think you guys can understand this situation so moving on!

In the last month or so I have been ditched/let down by almost all of my friends in Vancouver. Some just didn't show up when we made plans, another I haven't seen in forever because he's tired and I just don't fit in the schedule. And this weekend I couldn't help but think that were I not engaged to Raisa I would certainly not have been at the cabin. I have become an accessory and that is frustrating. I hate relying on one person for my social life. I miss my friends back home but I also know they have gone on with their lives.

This all makes me sound incredibly self-absorbed and I really felt inclined to not post this but I think sometimes it's good to acknowledge that there are hard times and I am currently going through one. I should also mention how amazingly blessed I am for the chance to go up to the cabin this weekend - it's an amazing place and there were lots of awesome people who did their best to make me feel welcome and to them I have to apologize for being in such a funk.

Dreams

Dreams can be the reason you wake up in the morning...

Everyone has dreams. These lofty, often unattainable goals we've set for ourself. Become a rockstar. International movie star. Be a millionaire. Win the lottery. Find true love. Just be happy.

"Dream on, dream on, dream on, dream until your dream comes true"

This song sounds so powerful and inspiring. It must sound a lot different to someone twice, three times my age realizing most of their life has passed them by and if their dream hasn't come true, it likely never will.

My dream is that I have always wanted to be a rockstar. I'm still young but almost every part of me knows it will never happen. Still there's that small part that lights up every time I hear music that moves me, that puts together set lists, that lets me hear the song a little differently - how I would have done it had it been me playing the drums in that studio. I don't even have a drum set in Vancouver - talk about unrealistic. But still I spend a lot of my day dreaming.

No one taught us how to dream, it's just something humans instinctively do. So then how come we aren't born with some kind of defense mechanism for when we realize they won't ever come true?

Dreams can be the reason you wake up in the morning....

They can also be the reason you find yourself unable to leave your bed day after day.

Mantra

"This too shall pass."

My mantra of the day.

When your boss yells at you for forgetting 2 forms in 2 binders full of them - this too shall pass.

When you wake up with an incredibly sore throat and zero energy - this too shall pass.

When your feet ache from running around all day and you need to make one more stop - well you get it.

There have been a lot of disappointments lately. (not that my life is awful, just some crappy moments have punctuated the last couple of weeks) But overall, I still find myself thinking that if my life ended today I would have been so very blessed. I have love - and thats a rare thing to have.

Mega Desk

Last night I did some spring cleaning.

Of our liquor cabinet.

I still managed to go to work this morning too - which is very impressive. Today was one of those days that would be a complete write-off if I had called in sick. But ii still managed to pull off some cleaning and put up some new curtains. (they're light blocking white curtains. Just so awesome.)

I am watching Boston and Montreal play right now and the announcer keeps saying "chair-uh" when talking about "chara" - this isn't worth noting but its bugging me so I will anyway.

I need to write a blog about my hockey team and our epic gold medal win. It was an awesome ride and I'm a little choked the season is over. SOON!

Come Home

So Raisa is away on a business trip. It's been almost a week and it's been one of the MOST boring weeks of my life - with the exception of the times I've been with friends. (shout out to Boo the Ghost, C Brain, and LW) I think when Raisa left I was a little bummed but also kind of excited to have a whole bed to myself (I like to sleep in a "pike position"...aka a 90 degree angle. Hard to do with someone else in the bed) Now I'm just really excited for her to come home.

The Olympics being in town is awesome. Even if I end up moving back to Edmonton tomorrow, the experience of living in the Olympic City during the 2010 winter olympics is unforgettable. Just FYI, I won't be moving back to Edmonton tomorrow. The whole city is buzzing. The free events are awesome - I've gotta get downtown again and see more. If it wasn't for the Olympics and all the events on tv I think I would go crazy.

Also just finished reading the Time Travelers Wife. Cried a bit at the end - not afraid to admit it. That book is amazing.

The Squeakquel

Can I just say that even when I was a kid I knew that Alvin and the Chipmunks were awful? (Answer: yes i can. it's my blog, which means I get to say what I want) This show/franchise/whatever it is is simply awful. BUT I digress.

From my last blog entry lots of things have been going right for me! We had our last regular season game on Tuesday and I achieved a personal goal of mine. I have wanted to be the MVP of a game since the beginning of the season - and came close a couple of times, but this week I finally pulled it off. I scored a hat trick (leading my team to a win!) and notched an assist to finish off the night.

I got a callback from a kids after school care program who pay close to double what I make now (only 20 hours a week, but hey, I can do two jobs!) and had an interview yesterday. It went pretty well and in a week I'll know if I will have the job. My life would be immensely different if I enjoyed my job - which I know I would at this place.

My new years resolution was to not flake and so far it is going well. I think sometimes when I'm tired it's so easy to stay at home and take it easy but I've found I never regret it when I do kick myself in the butt and go out. I think it's easy hanging out with old friends where your comfortable and know what to expect. But with a new city and a bunch of new friends, everything is new and unexpected, which is exciting but also challenging.

And last but not least my phone bill has been paid off! And that allowed me to switch my plan, shaving about 45$ off my bill, meaning money in the bank. And my trip to Edmonton is booked. See you suckas soon!

That's all for today!

Jobs

I feel very un-hireable right now. While just scraping by at starbones has been ok - minimum wage isn't my favourite and I would like to be able to pay off my phone bill. Which I get called about every 5 minutes by Rogers. Thanks a lot crappy cell phone company.

Man life is complicated.