Anchors

First update in a while...I know but it's the first thought I deemed interesting enough to post.

This weekend was amazing and also a really hard time for me. I tried a new activity in paddleboarding and attempted an activity I used to be decent at in wakeboarding. Both went horribly horribly wrong. I promised myself I wouldn't give up - to the point where my nipples were bleeding and my arms and shoulders were just blasted. (even typing feels impossible) But at the end of the weekend I was left with some pretty heavy questions:

Even when I don't give up and push myself to the limit I'm not succeeding in things that everyone else excels at immediately - what am I doing wrong?

and I realize I don't consider myself a wakeboarder or anything like that, but I can't help but wonder what is it I am great at? I doubt any of my drum skills are still there after almost a year away from a drum set. My self worth is not completely rooted in being "good at something", but my identity certainly is. I guess I'm just having trouble adjusting to the new 'Theo.' I can go a little deeper on this - but it all sounds very depressing and self-serving. I think you guys can understand this situation so moving on!

In the last month or so I have been ditched/let down by almost all of my friends in Vancouver. Some just didn't show up when we made plans, another I haven't seen in forever because he's tired and I just don't fit in the schedule. And this weekend I couldn't help but think that were I not engaged to Raisa I would certainly not have been at the cabin. I have become an accessory and that is frustrating. I hate relying on one person for my social life. I miss my friends back home but I also know they have gone on with their lives.

This all makes me sound incredibly self-absorbed and I really felt inclined to not post this but I think sometimes it's good to acknowledge that there are hard times and I am currently going through one. I should also mention how amazingly blessed I am for the chance to go up to the cabin this weekend - it's an amazing place and there were lots of awesome people who did their best to make me feel welcome and to them I have to apologize for being in such a funk.

Dreams

Dreams can be the reason you wake up in the morning...

Everyone has dreams. These lofty, often unattainable goals we've set for ourself. Become a rockstar. International movie star. Be a millionaire. Win the lottery. Find true love. Just be happy.

"Dream on, dream on, dream on, dream until your dream comes true"

This song sounds so powerful and inspiring. It must sound a lot different to someone twice, three times my age realizing most of their life has passed them by and if their dream hasn't come true, it likely never will.

My dream is that I have always wanted to be a rockstar. I'm still young but almost every part of me knows it will never happen. Still there's that small part that lights up every time I hear music that moves me, that puts together set lists, that lets me hear the song a little differently - how I would have done it had it been me playing the drums in that studio. I don't even have a drum set in Vancouver - talk about unrealistic. But still I spend a lot of my day dreaming.

No one taught us how to dream, it's just something humans instinctively do. So then how come we aren't born with some kind of defense mechanism for when we realize they won't ever come true?

Dreams can be the reason you wake up in the morning....

They can also be the reason you find yourself unable to leave your bed day after day.

Mantra

"This too shall pass."

My mantra of the day.

When your boss yells at you for forgetting 2 forms in 2 binders full of them - this too shall pass.

When you wake up with an incredibly sore throat and zero energy - this too shall pass.

When your feet ache from running around all day and you need to make one more stop - well you get it.

There have been a lot of disappointments lately. (not that my life is awful, just some crappy moments have punctuated the last couple of weeks) But overall, I still find myself thinking that if my life ended today I would have been so very blessed. I have love - and thats a rare thing to have.

Mega Desk

Last night I did some spring cleaning.

Of our liquor cabinet.

I still managed to go to work this morning too - which is very impressive. Today was one of those days that would be a complete write-off if I had called in sick. But ii still managed to pull off some cleaning and put up some new curtains. (they're light blocking white curtains. Just so awesome.)

I am watching Boston and Montreal play right now and the announcer keeps saying "chair-uh" when talking about "chara" - this isn't worth noting but its bugging me so I will anyway.

I need to write a blog about my hockey team and our epic gold medal win. It was an awesome ride and I'm a little choked the season is over. SOON!

Come Home

So Raisa is away on a business trip. It's been almost a week and it's been one of the MOST boring weeks of my life - with the exception of the times I've been with friends. (shout out to Boo the Ghost, C Brain, and LW) I think when Raisa left I was a little bummed but also kind of excited to have a whole bed to myself (I like to sleep in a "pike position"...aka a 90 degree angle. Hard to do with someone else in the bed) Now I'm just really excited for her to come home.

The Olympics being in town is awesome. Even if I end up moving back to Edmonton tomorrow, the experience of living in the Olympic City during the 2010 winter olympics is unforgettable. Just FYI, I won't be moving back to Edmonton tomorrow. The whole city is buzzing. The free events are awesome - I've gotta get downtown again and see more. If it wasn't for the Olympics and all the events on tv I think I would go crazy.

Also just finished reading the Time Travelers Wife. Cried a bit at the end - not afraid to admit it. That book is amazing.

The Squeakquel

Can I just say that even when I was a kid I knew that Alvin and the Chipmunks were awful? (Answer: yes i can. it's my blog, which means I get to say what I want) This show/franchise/whatever it is is simply awful. BUT I digress.

From my last blog entry lots of things have been going right for me! We had our last regular season game on Tuesday and I achieved a personal goal of mine. I have wanted to be the MVP of a game since the beginning of the season - and came close a couple of times, but this week I finally pulled it off. I scored a hat trick (leading my team to a win!) and notched an assist to finish off the night.

I got a callback from a kids after school care program who pay close to double what I make now (only 20 hours a week, but hey, I can do two jobs!) and had an interview yesterday. It went pretty well and in a week I'll know if I will have the job. My life would be immensely different if I enjoyed my job - which I know I would at this place.

My new years resolution was to not flake and so far it is going well. I think sometimes when I'm tired it's so easy to stay at home and take it easy but I've found I never regret it when I do kick myself in the butt and go out. I think it's easy hanging out with old friends where your comfortable and know what to expect. But with a new city and a bunch of new friends, everything is new and unexpected, which is exciting but also challenging.

And last but not least my phone bill has been paid off! And that allowed me to switch my plan, shaving about 45$ off my bill, meaning money in the bank. And my trip to Edmonton is booked. See you suckas soon!

That's all for today!

Jobs

I feel very un-hireable right now. While just scraping by at starbones has been ok - minimum wage isn't my favourite and I would like to be able to pay off my phone bill. Which I get called about every 5 minutes by Rogers. Thanks a lot crappy cell phone company.

Man life is complicated.

Real Change?

So I am gonna take some time out of my lovely night of reading "The Time Travellers Wife" while simultaneously reading "The Wedding Book" with my fiancee to write to you guys.

So the entire facebook world has erupted into one giant tidal wave of activism. Or so they think.

With the Haiti tragedy and the breast cancer awareness bra-status-fiasco people have just been fired up over all the change they've been causing lately. But I'd like to try and get you to stop and think if this is REALLY causing change at all.

Heres a scenario to explain it: So Theo has decided to put his status as "help stop the awful slaughter in Washington. Every day over 30 Americans are swallowed by Obama and his insatiable campaign for cannibalism". (what a cause...haha) and all of his friends read this and think "wow thats messed up! I should inform people as well!" (and then make a hilarious White House joke) and suddenly all of facebook has statuses about Obama. But really - other than people being aware of what is going on, has anything changed? No. They say that knowledge is power but I would argue that knowledge, without WISDOM, is worthless.

And that brings us to where we are now. A catastrophe on our hands. Their is plenty of knowledge - but do you know anyone who has donated? Have you donated? Are you effecting real change or are you just posting a facebook status expecting someone else to go over and help or open their wallet?

But EVEN worse is the breast cancer awareness status update fiasco. If the goal is awareness - why is your status so damn vague? Don't you want EVERYONE to know so they can donate? These are both such worthy causes but the general complacency of people our age causes us to think that just by a status we are changing the world. If only Che had facebook right?

I know this is a controversial topic and people love to fight me on this one because if I am right....well then both of us are guilty of sitting back and watching the horror in Haiti.

"Suddenly that facebook status isnt doing much to relieve my conscience..."

Death Takes Many Forms Even While Alive

Sorry I've been out of blogging shape for so long.....I've been busy with my week in Edmonton and the holidays in general. Pretty sure my stay with G made me gain 10 pounds....oh well. Tons of fun and I'll do a proper holiday blog soon. Here are some thoughts. Rapido y furiosa.

With the recent loss of my aunt I've been thinking about death lately. I feel like the song 'Benjamin' is a good place for anyone to start on this topic. Its written by Sanctus Real and I'll include some lyrics because theyre much more eloquent than I could ever be. I recommend youtube-ing it. It gives me chills.

Rain falls outside
I think the sky must know whats happening tonight
Children born while fathers die
It's the circle of life that we all live in time

We've been friends for a long, long time
So if you can't talk, just cry
And know that we can talk on the other side

It's bitter cold outside
But the sun still shines 'cause we can feel it
Benjamin, you mark the life that was left behind
We see him in your eyes

And we will be friends for a long, long time
So until you can talk, just cry
And know that we will be friends for the rest of our lives

Today at work - while going about some repetitive task I had the thought "if I died today I would not be sad about it. If anything would make me sad, it would be the thought of the pain those I left behind would go through." this thought in general worries me. My life is hardly a 100mph thrill ride but I'd like to believe it has value. All life has value but my subconscious seems not to be convinced.

Now on to another heavy topic - lost friendship. In the last 2 weeks I have watched 2 different friendships dissolve - both of them friends I held close to my heart. I do not recycle friends or do the whole social butterfly thing so it has had an impact. I am not quite sure how I feel though....I'm not sure I would want either friendship back. One case is explained below but for the other its much more complicated. A great person, albeit flawed. I can't explain what went on without revealing names and situations so I have to kind of leave you guys hanging on details. Every part of me wanted to apologize for making a choice to stand by a friend and leave another to fight their own battles but in the incredibly complicated situation I felt I did the right thing. Like I said, I wanted to apologize but couldn't do it sincerely. How could I look one of my best friends in the eye and say I was sorry for a decision that I felt like I HAD to make in order to be able to look at myself in the mirror. At the end of the day I would rather be completely alone and be able to look in the mirror and see something genuine...completely fucked up but genuine, then be surrounded by friends and keep secrets and lie to myself.

Maybe my next blog should be on why I put such a high value on being genuine.

It doesnt often help me out in life.

Love you guys - hope your still reading.

"Please don't worry - I am doing fine.

Your much too busy to even find the time.

So use your chemicals and take them to your grave."

To West. Sorry, but the friendships done. Not even you know who you are anymore.

...As A Kite

So I am not feeling very well. I have about 5 brands of cough medicine in me and I'm feeling very high. So lets see what deep things cough medicine brings out of me.

First off: hockey is now done for half a month. that makes me a little bit sad, but a couple of us went out for drinks and it was pretty fun, so theres a good chance of making some BFF's in the new year.

Second: Jordan I'm very sorry I neglected you in my blog post. I'm very excited to see you and we need to go for a night drive.

Third: My sister and I have been playing a lot of xbox together lately which has been good. She has been cool enough to go out and buy Left 4 Dead 2 so we could play online. It makes me feel nerdy, but at the same time I think it's not so bad because in reality its just an excuse I use to keep in touch with her. So I think its sentimental.

Fourth: I called in sick to work today and they refused. They just said "no. no one can cover so your coming in" that seems strange. is that legal? That is less strange than my landlord coming into our apartment without knocking while I was sleeping this morning. I woke up to a vision of him in my hallway holding a shower rod. I think he could be a rapist or a murderer. I want to leave my apartment :(

Life As A Hustla'

I've had so many moments of theosophy in the last week that it's hard to pick just one to talk about. So here comes theosophy: FAST AND FURIOUS!

-the general thought about life is that if your just surviving, your life isn't good. I'm really wondering if this is the truth. I imagine that even if everyday I woke up, travelled into the forest - caught my meals of the day and then returned home, there would still be things to live for. I just think of something as beautiful as a rain drop sitting on a leaf or the stars at night and can't imagine its possible to just "survive". These are the things you think about when you just make enough to pay the bills at Starbucks.

-today I did some hustlin'. (hence the name of this blog) Best Buy was working against me but I was determined to get Raisa Super Mario Bros Wii for christmas. And I pulled it off. I ended up having to trade in a couple of my games to get it, but I did it after a long day of searching. And that brings me to my point which is that love is not a feeling. It's not something your born into and it's not a word you get to say on your 6 month anniversary. Love is making a choice to put someone else ahead of yourself and you have to make that choice every single day.

So for my floor hockey update of the week - I scored two goals and notched either 3 or 4 assists this week. 6 point week? thats pretty sick!!! I kept getting energy, even after I hit the point of exhaustion, from God knows where. I dedicate both of those goals to the "ham"mer. I neglected to mention him, when in reality he's a friend that I could never afford to lose. For the record, this is the first time I ever dedicated ALL of my goals to one person. I dont foresee it ever happening again. Love you hamiltoe.

Home Is Where The ______ Is

So at floor hockey tonight I had my first loss. In quite a disappointing night I registered no points - NOT EVEN AN ASSIST, and felt like a peg leg on the gnarly pirate crew that is our floor hockey team. Oh well.....more motivation to run harder this week.

So I had talks with my family about coming home for christmas and it was all going well until my sister wrapped the car around a tree after having slid through an ice patch. When I first heard about it I was so worried - heres a girl I would literally give my life for and she may have just lost hers, but it ended up that she walked away from it and is ok. But somehow in all the stress and confusion, my christmas invitation was revoked (and then reinstated, but its all very confusing and I dont quite understand it) and my hopes of being home for christmas were crushed. Through a couple of ensuing emails/phone calls with my parents, a lot of hurtful things were said and it all cumulated with me just having to say "I'm done. Cant do this anymore". Now this has been a very hard thing for me to do....I mean theyre my parents, but honestly, the sadness and pain that they caused me EVERY time we talked just wasn't worth it. I couldn't take it anymore.

So I've been really thinking about where to go from here. A family is kind of like the Robin to your Batman, you don't realize you need them until some goon gets both your arms behind your back and you need someone who will kick him in the jewels. This is the conclusion I've reached: my brothers and sister will always be there. We have looked out for eachother since we were little and that will never stop. My third brother, best friend, and best man Mr. Glendon will be there the day I die - or more likely I'll be there for him when he overdoses on BBQ pork buns and ends up in the hospital. And to round out my family, I have friends I know won't ever fail me: Faith, Sam, Brit West. You guys have listened to all my complaining and sent me encouraging notes on my wall through the move. And last but not least my wifey - ms Raisa Ruiz. (p.s. not actually my wifey yet) but this girl gets to hear all this stuff in person, so I'm gonna leave it at I love her and shes amazing.

Thanks guys, Love you all and hope you know I think of you often. (even if your not family - you are still important. Im talking bout you Furgy Furg)

Belief

So today at work something pretty funny happened.

There are these two ladies that come in everyday and they always yell so loud and laugh like hyenas and are overall just obnoxious. They are never rude to us, but they just have zero self-awareness.

SO today while serving them the first drink came up as an Eggnog Latte and I made it and gave it to the girl - standard.

THEN the next girl asked for a Reduced Fat Eggnog Latte, saying she would give it a shot. I looked down in my fridges and upon seeing that we didnt have any RFE, decided that I would just fake it. So I made it regular and put it up on the bar. Now because these ladies have their conversations at around the same level as a MegaDeath concert I was able to witness this awesome exchange:

Lady 1: So hows the RFE Latte?

Lady 2: (drinks and pauses) its actually so good!

Lady 1: NO WAY! Let me taste it!

Lady 2 and Lady 1 swap drinks - tasting eachothers

Lady 1: Its not bad! The taste is a little less full and rich, but its still ok!

Lady 2: Oh I can definately tell the difference between the regular and this, but I'm definately not complaining.

It's funny how powerful a thing belief can be. She believed the taste would be different and so even after tasting her own drink and her friends (BOTH IDENTICAL) she still was convinced they were different. I let them walk away without saying anything because lets be honest:

Who couldn't use a little more Reduced Fat in their life?

I'm so fly I give angels dey wings

Why do people use their facebook statuses to tell everyone how great they are?

If your really convinced that your so awesome - then your arrogant.

If your trying to convince others - your insecure and obviously crave acceptance.

Facebook is supposed to be a social networking site....but I bet if I went there right now, I can bet at least 4/5 statuses would be song lyrics, apps, or just some ambigious phrase that makes them sound deep. Lets go see....

The first two were just nonesense. The next 3 were actually KIND OF telling me something about their lives. I admit defeat....sort of. Maybe I overexaggerated, but I think we all know just how much of this we see on facebook. I think its annoying.

Seattle

Get excited to see my jaw make a surprise appearance on So You Think You Can Dance this year... because this thing pops and locks like nothing you've ever seen. Want to know why? Read on!

So my best friend Mr. Glendon Prince George came down to Vancouver for an unforgettable 3 days. So here it comes: fast and furious, 3 days of awesome.

-met Glendon down at the Quay, walked 16 blocks uphill in the freezing rain until we stole into Starbucks and scored us some grande soy white mochas. That 'bones was life changing.

-Created a sick dynasty on NHL 09 and did that for a while until the floor hockey game. I scored 2 goals on some wristers and notched another assist. Then G and I out-sleuthed a skunk and stayed up painfully late.

-Greyhound to Seattle blah blah blah lots of sleeping

-Walking the streets of Seattle, Fox Sports Grill for supper, visit Pike Place Market and visit the first bones ever, do some shopping, then Glendon and I bus to the concert venue.

-We sit through the horridity of Finch and Drop Dead Gorgeous, meet Beau Bokan and Eric Lambert, scalp a ticket and then get ready for Blessthefall. From the opening song I just went wild. The crowd was completely amped and we had a sick time. At one point I got so hot I took off my sweater and threw it on stage. THEN for the encore I fought my way past the crowd and jumped on stage. Just as they were starting the breakdown I grabbed my sweater and jumped out into the crowd. My timing and jump-judgement was hilariously awful as I cleared the crowd and went face first into the concrete floor in the middle of a circle pit. Actually I went jaw first. and Im pretty sure its broken because my teeth no longer line up. And my face hurts. And it pops and locks. And after being stomped half to death - I came up and realized I no longer had a sweater. And to re-iterate my FACE HURTS!!!!

-Sleep then a greyhound back home. Glendon and my dynasty comes crashing down. Im super frustrated, then walk G to the bus stop, where my parents call me and say a lot of angry things.

Now I'm dead tired....cant wait to sleep.

Funerals

Today was a strange day.

Worked at 4:45 am, got off and paid some bills, called Best Buy and tried to figure out the deal with my shipment, then went to a memorial service for Raisa's grandpa. It was sad and moving, even though it wasn't even someone I knew who had passed away. I always hurt when others are hurting. That's not a great characteristic, considering there's a lot of pain in the world.

Today at work someone told me they hated me. Thats such a harsh term to hear, people throw it around like it means nothing. The best part? It's all because at a party some girl got the impression I was a "douche", and then when I talked to a mutual friend about it they went back to that girl and told them I wasn't how they initially thought. Now they're accusing me of turning their friends against them. I get tired of people focusing on such stupid things. You can always tell someone who doesn't have real problems or real issues by what gets to them. The people sitting in the room of that memorial today would not have gotten mad and talked behind someone's back just because their niece came in with her nose pierced - because things like that just don't mean anything when you have real problems.

If anyone from work reads this, do not talk about it. By bringing it up again and asking more questions, you'd reopen wounds. This is just my thought on life intended for my Edmonton family. Thats what you all are :)

It's Harder To Blog Than I Thought...

Man, with all the stuff I've got going on I find it's hard to find time to keep up with my blogging. But here we go!!!!!

Right now I'm watching Community, Parks and Recreation and The Office. Thursday night is the greatest night for TV ever. And so I figured I'd catch up on my blog, because I am clearly great at multi-tasking.

So I made the cut for my floor hockey team - The Sharks! We had our first game tuesday, and I notched an assist (to my brother in law....not bad way to fit in the family huh?) in the incredibly rough win. Also the other day I played drums for a dude I met....it was a little rough (I haven't played in FOREVER) but it was so much fun. Would do it again in a second.

Glendon will be here in just a short few days...so excited!

I saw Regina Spektor in concert in this huge old opera house. That was dope. I wonder, how is it possible that some people have so little going on in their heads? Its frustrating that a certain person I am often obligated to see has about one conversation that she recycles endlessly. Not cool.

Well I gotta get back to this awesome show, be good and let me know how YA'LL ARE DOING!

Night of Mayhem

An under-the-sea party.

Sounds like such a great idea, right? everyone gets to dress up. have tons of fun.

right? NO! WRONG! Especially when you open at 5 the next morning.

I came to the party (dressed as an aquarium), invented a shot called "the orca" (jello shot, bull bomb, full beer then a kiss to the orca - who is no more) fast forward through your usual party occurrences AAAND: throw up time. I was hurting. and kept hurting for 7 hours of early morning opening goodness. I came home and fell asleep for 2 hours, woke up ate, and then slept for 13 hours. it felt SO good. I woke up feeling a bit better today.

Today at work my boss started getting all up in my shit because I hadn't given her a direct deposit form. She was incredibly rude, and I didnt say anything back, but I decided that if she is going to not follow through on promises for a promotion AND disrespect me? Well, I'm transferring or dropping some kung-fu on that minion.

I am looking for new music:

any suggestions?

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

So here I am. 11:30. Awake.

The rest of the world is sleeping but for some reason I am unable to.

This is about the third night I've spent up like this. I wrote 6 paragraphs more on the real reason I've been up but I couldn't bring myself to post it. Instead I will just say this:

I need someone to talk to these dark moments about. A friend. And I need there to be no LOL's or judgement or awkwardness. I just need a friend.